Al's Eulogy

I've been meaning to do this for a while.

Aug, 2013. My father is 74.  What will I say at my father's wake?

I'm not the oldest son. I'm the middle son; the fourth of five children my parents had together before the implosion of their marriage.

I wanted to tell you all the truth - that my father didn't teach me anything. That he didn't teach me anything useful, but I realized that wasn't quite true. You know, when you’re a kid and you touch a hot stove and you burn your hand, you learn to not touch a hot stove? That's how my father taught me useful things. From him, I learned how NOT to be a father. How NOT to be a parent.

I wanted him to show me how to throw a football or a baseball, but he didn't. I would have even enjoyed him showing me how to fish, or hunt, or camp. But he didn't do that either. He DID NOT show me how to tie my shoes, ride a bike, fly a kite, shave, or treat a lady. He once, when I was 24 and had just been honorably discharged from the Army, tried to tell me about the birds and the bees - dating etiquette. Which at the time I thought was too funny to try to stop him.

It may surprise you all that I would come up here and say these things. After all, my father is dead and America has a long tradition of telling only good things at the end of a person's life. Unfortunately, I have none of those things to tell and I'm an Atheist - perhaps the one thing he and I did share, although we never talked about it. For me, dead is an end game.  The beginning of a chemical and biological process where the molecules that make up or bodies decay and become the fuel for other organisms. And I think he thought that too, although to foster your friendships, he may not have said so.

You all probably knew him better than I did. I have not seen him since 2006. He did write me - two letters - in 2013 trying to attend my daughter's high school graduation. His granddaughter, whom he had not seen since she was five. I know in this day, it is probably more common as families move away - different states, different countries even - for families not to see each other or talk for long periods. But in our case, we were just a 40 minute drive apart. And that was too far; or maybe too close.

That's where you all come in, knowing him better than I - better than his granddaughter knew him. You see, he chose to spend his time with all of you. You all probably know him as a great man. Selfless. Giving of his time and energy for the many causes he enjoyed. Like the Shinn House. Town Council. Historical Society. Square Dancing. These were all pursuits he CHOSE over spending time with his son and granddaughter. Every time there was a conflict in scheduling between YOU and US, you always won.

I've often told my daughter that for her, I tried to be the kind of father that I WISHED I had. I wasn't great; I certainly wasn't perfect. But if I was the kind of dad that I had growing up? Well, these days, that's illegal. Child abuse. Child neglect. Child endangerment. Call it what you will.

I don't know what I did or said that he preferred the company of strangers to that of his family. I don't know what I could have said or done differently - although I suspect, there was nothing.  For me, my father died a long time ago.  When he let me know through his actions that I didn't matter to him.  My loss then was painful, but I got over it.  And if I can be of any comfort to you now, I can say this with certainty: you'll get over him too. May the knowledge that YOU saw the best of him bring you peace.

Bad Fiction

So... I'm reading this book, THE BOURNE IMPERATIVE by Eric Van Lustbader. I just have to laugh. It isn't SciFi or Fantasy, but you wouldn't know it by the lack of research Eric has done. In Virginia, a CIA operative has just recovered from a boat 30 million dollars - according to the author - in $500 and $1,000 bills. Whoa, wait a sec there, Eric. Those don't exist, right? Wrong. They do exist. They were never meant for circulation and now are worth far more than face value. One site has $500 bills for $2300 each. They're collector's items now. So, it is possible to have them, but they wouldn't be used as this author does, as cash.

The other part of disbelief is that Eric has these bills hanging in a waterproof satchel over the side of the boat. Again, using the internet, I found that a single bill weighs 1 gram. Let's go top end and say that ALL 30 million is in $1000 bills; not how the author described, but he didn't give an exact count of each denomination. This is "best case." $30 million would be 30,000 bills. Which would be 30kg? Or 66 lbs US measure. That's a lot of weight to hang in a satchel over the side of a boat. If you split the currency 2:1 in favor of the 1000, then you're looking at 40k bills and 40kg or 88 lbs.

And this is just a factor of weight. How much space would 30k bills or 40k bills take up? Certainly more than a waterproof satchel over the side of a boat. Thankfully, many people on the internet have tackled the space issue. One site (www.cockeyed.com/inside/million/million.html) breaks it down step by step and has pictures. 10,000 bills take up 643 cu inches. Multiply by 3 to get the smallest ($1000 bills) amount of space you'd need; basically three large briefcases.

But coming back to the fact - something Eric missed - that $500 and $1000 bills aren't circulated as US currency, you're left with $100s. That's the largest, still circulated, US bill on the market. $30 million in $100s would be 300k bills; 300kg; 661 pounds. 30 large briefcases. It would fill the cabin of the boat Eric uses in the story!

Dontca just love fiction? I think I'm going to stop reading Eric's book.

Another book I just had to put down for the same reason - disbelief- was one of Lee Child's "Jack Reacher" books. I pulled my way through two of them, but kept coming back to Reacher's childhood as a military brat.

Child has his protagonist moving every 6 to 8 months in the military. That doesn’t happen. The Government can't afford to move individual soldiers that often, not to mention soldiers with families. Sure, the soldier might be deployed into combat, but the family would stay behind. The soldier, when his combat tour was finished, would be sent back home - to the base he left.

Having served four years in the US Army, I can tell you that the shortest full-duty assignment is one year - to hardship locations (Turkey was one such location because you can't take your family; I was there 13 months). Most full-duty assignments are two to three years long. My tour on Ft Lewis was just under 2 - 1/2 years long; about 28 months. Had I declined the option to go overseas, I would have finished my enlistment in Ft. Lewis. Had I re-enlisted after Turkey, I had options for 3 year tours in England and New Hampshire (as a trainer).

I wonder how Child's Jack Reacher series could be so popular with so much bad information. It occurs to me that most people haven't been in the military and aren't from military families. The popular myth for military life is one of constant upheaval; always on the go; moving from place to place. It would seem that way, if you lived your whole life in one town, one house - you would see moving every 2 to 3 years as constant upheaval. But my childhood was closer to Jack Reacher's than most. In fact, except for the military family part, it was very much like what Child describes for Jack and his family. The funny thing is I joined the Army for stability. It was a chance for me to stay in one place for a while - after a few months each training in New Jersey and Massachusetts.

But, I bullied my way through two of Lee's books -"okay, Child's never been in the military." However, when he started writing as if he was doing a 1-hour TV show… That was too much. His characters dusted fingerprints at 9am and had results by 10:45! Ballistics before noon. DNA matches by dinner. Lee, it's a book! You can move time in amazing ways in a book. Two weeks later, I'm writing this sentence. A year went by before this one was typed. I'm close to retirement now. And golly, I was only 34 when I started typing this paragraph.

In TV land, with shows like "CSI" and "Law and Order," they only have an hour of air time. They have to move things faster, discover things impossibly sooner than reality. But in a book, you can choose to tell it like it is! It takes weeks to search a database for finger prints. It takes months and months to extract and match DNA. Crime labs are busy. They're not a bunch of Hummer-driving geeks with really expensive high-tech equipment, just sitting around waiting for evidence to fall into their laps. Like most government agencies, they're over-worked and under-staffed and short-budgeted.

I think writers have become lazy. It's much easier to regurgitate what you've seen on TV. "If the TV audience believes it, I can write it that way and I don't have to find out how long it really takes to match finger prints or DNA."
I think what Lee Child needs is a police ride-along and a day-visit to any US crime lab. And Eric Van Lustbader needs a week-long trip to the US without his handler and credit cards. Or maybe just a few minutes training in Google Searches.

[UPDATE]
I did some Google searching of my own on Eric Van Lustbader.  I was very surprised to learn that he was born and raised in New York!  How does an American by birth screw up our currency so badly?  I know, it's a work of fiction.  Point of fact, a spy novel.  There are certain things we accept in that genre of fiction.  Gravity works.  There is only one star in the solar system and only one moon orbiting planet earh. People, plants, and animals fit our normal observed world - it's not a sci-fi spy novel after all - like Total Recall.  There are some things we expect can and will be fictionalized - corrupt governments, secret cabals, super soldiers with physical and mental capabilities beyond ordinary.  But creating and using new forms of money?  Defying the laws of mass?  Sir Isaac Newton would roll-over if he could (maybe in a ghost story).  Does anyone else feel this way?  That this type of fiction should *mostly* conform to our known universe?  Please comment either way.

Reply to Dr. Willis, Rockford Dist 205

Dr. Willis,

Thank you very much for your reply.  I appreciate that you have looked into the legal aspects of your decisions.  However, as interim Superintendent, I would guess that you are somewhat removed from the classroom environment.  But even you must be aware of the efforts around the country to fight bullying. 

Your argument "it is never a requirement for any student or staff member to participate" is the same weak-minded copout that people have been using with the Pledge of Allegiance for decades.  Frankly, I expect better from someone who has earned a PhD.  Surely you can see how "separate but equal" doesn't work in grade schools.  Not participating in "group think" is probably the number one cause of bullying the world over, not just elementary school.

For those who have the strength and courage to "not participate" maybe we can force them to wear a scarlet letter on their clothes?  Or perhaps something like the Jews wore in Nazi Germany?  This will show the bullies which kids are the easy targets.  Since the Salvation Army is a homophobic organization, we should make the patch a rainbow "G," I'm sure they'll love the symbolism.

Maybe you'll gain some insight reading my blog from last year on the Pledge of Allegiance.

Latenitewrite.blogspot.com/2011/09/i-pledge-allegiance.html

Please, think through and reconsider your position on separating the non-conformists.  Bullies have it too easy already.

Jack St.Clair

non-conformist

Rockford Dist 205 Responds!

Mr. St.Clair,

Thank you for your correspondence.  On behalf of District 205, we appreciate your communication and your viewpoint.  We have checked with our attorneys and verified that our relationship with the Salvation Army's can drive is both legal and acceptable common practice for public school systems. We admire the Salvation Army's work to help those who are among the most needy in our community.

I do want to point out that it is never a requirement for any particular student or staff member to participate in these type of voluntary community initiatives.

We are also open to partnering with other non-profit organizations that benefit our community.

Thank you again for your email.

Dr. Robert Willis
Interim Superintendent
501 Seventh Street
Rockford, IL 61104

Letter to Rockford School Dist. 205

Superintendent and Committee,

I think what many Christians in America fail to understand is that the Separation of Church and State protects Christianity as much as it protects the Free Thinking citizens and those of other faiths.

It's easy now to think that Christians have the power because they have the numbers.  But how many Politicians have changed parties?  How many Muslims have converted to Christianity?  How many Christians changed to Islam?   Or Jew?  If you don't keep these two institutions separate, how long before someone comes to power and changes the law of the land from Christianity to Islam or Judaism?

Is it a risk you're willing to take?

Some of our founding fathers may have been Christian, although most historians will say they were "theists" however, many were not religious at all and in today's vernacular would be considered atheist.  But, even if they were Christian, even if the country was founded by Christians (I say "if"), WHY did they include that bit about separation of Church and state in the very first Amendment?

Because they were so afraid of tyranny and oppression that they wanted to make sure all religions - including their own - were protected from all other religions.  They didn't want future generations of Americans to be persecuted for any belief system they had.  The only way to do this, was make sure that Church minded Church and State minded State.

When you combine them, even incidentally as you do when you support a Christian relief organization, you put your religion, my religion, everyone's religion at jeopardy.

Please say no to the Salvation Army and find a non-religious organization for the school to support.

Jack St.Clair

Atheist

Mtn View CA 94043

mr.jack.stclair@gmail.com

Superintendent Robert Willis (815) 966-3100 dr.robert.willis@rps205.com
Laura Fromm, Executive Assistant Superintendent’s Office (815) 966-3100 fromml@rps205.com
Roberta Edwards, Executive Coordinator to the Superintendent & The Board of Education (815) 966-3101 edwardr@rps205.com

The School Board
Harmon Mitchell (815) 399-0710 ​harmon.mitchell@comcast.net
Jude Makulec (815) 633-6818 judemakulec@gmail.com
Lisa Jackson ​(815) 375-0175 ​lisa.jackson@rps205.com
Tim Rollins ​(815) 987-8910 ​tim@rollins4rockford.com
Kenneth Scrivano ​(815) 871-6683 ​kenneth.scrivano@rps205.com
Ronnell Moore ​(815) 871-6811 ​ronnellmoore4@gmail.com
Laura Powers ​(815) 874-3446 ​ laurapowersdistg@gmail.com

Committee Chairpersons
Christina Ostergard (815) 298-3266 goboilers99@hotmail.com
Doug Burton (815) 378-1709 doug@kmkmedia.com
Richard Walsh (815) 966-3100 rwalsh@swedishamerican.org
Venita Hervey (815) 968-7682 herveylaw@sbcglobal.net
Matthew Johnson-Doyle (815) 398-6322 ext. 14 minister@uurockford.org

Mammogram

After my divorce, my life was in a bit of a shambles. I was setting up a new single-father household for myself and my 5 year old daughter. While I only had shared custody, I still needed bed-sets and dishes and all those little things to make a house a home. On top of this, I had also recently changed jobs.

Suffice to say I was taking care of things but I wasn't taking care of myself. I had been in the best shape of my life in the military - I used to be lean and fit. I weighed in at 175 pounds and was able to do 70 pushups and 100 sit-ups each in 2 minutes. I clocked the 2-mile run in just over 14 minutes. Now, in the early spring of 2000, I was a long way from either lean or fit. The stress from all my life changes helped my weight get up to 250 and I hadn't run in years.

When the dust began to settle around my life, I decided it was time for me to get back into shape. The company I worked for had a small fitness room - two treadmills, two stationary bikes, and a single 2-station weight machine and dumbbell stack. But most important, there were lockers and showers.

I started simple: at lunch time I would jog/walk three days a week and ride the stationary bike 2 days a week. Once I had built up endurance, I planned to run outside around the office complex or along one of the bay trails near the sports complex. I also planned to ride my bike to work - 12 miles each way. However, I knew it would be some time before I could do that and still function at work.

To motivate myself, I signed up for a 10k run in San Francisco in November. And to make sure I was ready for THAT I signed up for a 5k race in San Jose in August. I now had means and motive to get back into shape.

My plan started working perfectly. Five days a week, during lunch, I hustled to the gym, changed into shorts and tee shirt, and jumped on a treadmill or bike. After five weeks, I had dropped about 15 pounds and felt strong enough to take my game outside. I knew I wouldn't be setting any land-speed records, either jogging or biking, but as with the first 5-weeks my goal was to slowly build endurance - and maybe a little speed.

One day in March, when I came into the locker room after my run, my nipples began to hurt. Badly. As if they were being pinched in some vice.  Being a man, I gritted my teeth and tried to power through the pain. I chalked it up to the sudden temperature change - running outside in 60 degree weather then coming into a warm building.

In the shower, I noticed my nipples were actually bleeding. This was a little disconcerting as I've never before bleed from my nipples - ever. But again, I chalked it up to temperature variation. Back at my desk the pain went away and I quickly forgot the whole thing. The next morning, I biked the 12 miles from home to work, as per my schedule and didn't have any issues in the shower either with pain or bleeding.

The following day, a run day, I again experienced both the pain and the bleeding. This became the pattern for the next few weeks, although the pain was beginning during the run now and not just after. Biking produced no issues; running at noon caused pain and bleeding. The difference in the 3rd and 4th weeks was that the temperature in California had improved so instead of jogging in low 60s temps, I was now jogging at noon in mid 70s weather. In the recesses of my mind, I could no longer blame it on temperature variations. I still thought it would pass eventually, but I was otherwise stumped.

Around this time I met a woman, a nurse, while helping a mutual friend move. Gina and I hit it off right away. After we got our friend moved, we all went out to dinner and Gina and I made plans to go out again. Soon we were spending a lot of time together - her at my place or me at hers. We both had children and exes but as luck would have it, our custody schedules mostly overlapped.

One night while at Gina's, she noticed the scabs around my nipples after a run day. (I'd gotten my weight down to about 200 at this point and wasn't ashamed to go sans shirt.)

"What the hell is this?" She asked.

"Oh," I said casually. "That's been happening when I run."

"Well then you're running wrong!"

"Funny." I replied. "No, they hurt when I run and then bleed in the shower."

"That's not right. What did the doctor say?"

"I haven't seen a doctor about it. It'll pass."

She had a look on her face that said, "Men are stupid." But what she actually said was, "Oh honey, you need to go get that checked out. My nipples don't bleed when I run."

"You really think it's that serious?" I hadn't given it much thought in a while, except when the pain starts, but as she was a nurse I figured she was the medical expert between the two of us. If she thought this was serious, I needed to also.

The next day, she made sure I called a local clinic and set up an appointment. My appointment was with a general practitioner, and I explained my symptoms when I made the appointment, but Gina was confident that I'd need to see a specialist - on breast cancer.

Sure enough the doctor I saw knew of no reason why my nipples would hurt and bleed. He gave me a number to call to make an appointment for a mammogram. I was a little embarrassed at first, but Gina wasn't treating it as a joke and her seriousness on the issue took a lot of the shame away.

The day after my first doctor visit, I called the number he gave me. "I was told by Dr. Johnson to call this number and make an appointment."

"Who is the appointment for?" The young woman on the phone asked.

"It's for me."

"No, who's coming in for the mammogram? Who is the patient?"

"It's for me," I replied again. "I'm the patient."

There was a pause on the phone of about 20 seconds before the young lady said, "You think this is funny? This is a big joke for you guys? Grow up!" And then she slammed the phone down ending the call.

I didn't know what to do, so I did nothing. Her reaction shocked me and made me feel embarrassed about the whole thing again. Two days later Gina asked, "When is your appointment? I'll go along if you want me to."

"I don't have an appointment. The girl hung up on me." I said. "She thought it was a joke."

"That bitch." Gina was upset. This was her profession too and this other woman just insulted nurses - indirectly. "Call right now and make an appointment. Men can get breast cancer too!"

So I called. It was a different woman this time; she sounded older. I asked for an appointment and without skipping a beat she asked me what time would be good for me to come in. We set a time for the following week. I was still experiencing pain and bleeding going on three months now.

I tend to make bad jokes when I'm scared or nervous. I first noticed it when I was run over by a drunk driver at age 16. Nobody in the ambulance was laughing but that didn't keep me from trying again. Now that I 'm older, I've learned to sense better when people don't think I'm being funny. After I'd stripped naked from the waist up for the mammogram, the nurse was struggling to position the x-ray machine and I said, "Too bad we didn't do this four months ago: I had bigger boobs then." She didn't laugh, so I shut up.

She squeezed as much nipple and flesh as she could into the device and clamped it down with stern instructions to "hold still." We took a couple of shots on each side and I was allowed to get dressed.

Out in the hall, she said, "We'll have the doctor look these over and you should hear from us in a couple of days, but from what I can see it looks clear."

"Clear as in…?"

"Well, I'm not a doctor so I can't say officially - I've been doing this for a long time though - but it doesn't look like you have cancer." She was all business. Warm; polite; but very professional. I could also hear in her voice that she was relieved for me.

A couple of days later the doctor called and told me that the x-rays were clear and there was no sign of cancer. I still had the original issue to deal with and made another appointment to go back to the first doctor. That appointment was a couple of weeks after the mammogram and by then the pain and bleeding had stopped (I was still running three times a week) just as mysteriously as it had started. Ten years later, it hasn't happened again and I still don't know what started it.

Steve Harvey on morals

In a recent interview, Steve Harvey said, "I just believe if you don't believe in God, then where is your moral barometer?  You can believe what you want to believe. If you’re an atheist, you're basing your goodness and morality on what?  I mean what is an atheist? I've talked to people all the time; 'I'm an atheist,' I just walk away.  I don't know what to say to you." 

And finally in response to the interviewers definition of an Atheist: "Well then, to me you're an idiot."

THREE QUESTIONS FOR STEVE HARVEY:

1.  If God told you to run  for President, would you?

Herman Cain, Michele Bachmann, and Rick Perry all have said, "God told me to run."

2.  If God told you to build an ark, gather the animals, and prepare for a flood, would you?

Noah did just this when God warned him that he was going to commit genocide.

3.  If God told you to kill your child, would you?

Abraham was ordered by God to kill his son.  At the very last moment, as Abraham was about to plunge a knife into his son's chest, an angel stopped him.  But it was clear that Abraham would have done it.

If Harvey says, "yes," to number 3,  it reveals him to be a religious nut and perhaps a monster.

If Harvey says, "No," where did that "moral barometer" come from?  Not the bible.  Not from religion.  Not from his God, who supposedly told him to commit the murder.  So where then?  Perhaps the same place Atheists get their morals?  It's clear that morals don't come from the bible and religion.